I’ve been told my whole life that you need to hide your feelings so that others cant take advantage of you, well a little kid has no idea when the right time is.
It either is or isn’t and being told that you shouldn’t means I didn’t.
I started internalizing all my feelings, pushing them down because that’s what a “man” did.
Having MAN in my name didn’t make it any easier as the go to thing to say was man up.
I was able to get over the external pressures to “overcome” emotion but a demon welled inside of my head. An unstoppable force to break any ideas I had of growing myself.
The voice echoing louder and louder until I forget what I even sounded like. I didn’t know who I was and still don’t know who i am other than the non-stop voice telling me I’m not enough.
I fight with myself constantly in hopes that one day I can defeat this demon too.
This is a peek into my fight.
The Demon isn’t completely gone but I’m learning to co-exist with it.
Push it to the edges and don’t give it the light of day.
It serves a purpose now, kinda a checks and balances thing. A yin and yang kinda thing.
And I still struggle to keep it in line, sometimes someone else gives it a snack and it starts rolling away.
This Video gives a good path to finding your way to fight back.
The fight doesn’t get easier but you can get stronger.
Push yourself to control your demon and ultimately be able to be critical but not spiralling.